


Equilibrium

by Meinhiding



Series: Karedevil fics [23]
Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: But you can tell I'm a karedevil shipper, I have no idea what tags to use, Insight into Matt Murdock's mind, or something like that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 19:24:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16540655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meinhiding/pseuds/Meinhiding
Summary: Insight into Matt Murdock's mind.





	Equilibrium

**Author's Note:**

  * For [karedeviltrash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/karedeviltrash/gifts).



He was simply trying to do the right thing when he felt a black hole speeding towards him, absorbing the whole universe. One galaxy after another, everything faded to black in the blink of an eye. He watched the scene from the pavement, his blind eyes open wide to try and glimpse the sky. But he could no longer see. 

His life changed completely. He was soon surrounded by an abyss of darkness in every possible way. A sightless orphan who had been abandoned by everyone he ever loved. One after the other, everyone left. He had no one to help him comprehend the inner fight that had just started for him. _Maybe God will stay, maybe He’ll watch over me and I’ll understand_.

Struggling to survive, Matt decided to write a script and made his choice over who the main actor was going to be. A part of him would be banned from stage. It was condemned to remain secret, nobody should ever know that it was there. His electric and violent impulses ought to be kept hidden under his skin. Only one of his two halves could lead their way. 

So he learned the script by heart and followed all its prompts trying to touch his way through life, where to fit, whom to trust. And him being only partly him, he found nowhere to be at ease. _Do you have friends? Cut ‘em loose._ He had learned that lesson the hard way. That’s why he kept lying to everyone who seemed to get close enough to see who he really was; all of him. And, above all, he lied to himself. _It’s for their best._ It was never for _their_ best. 

It was easier that way. As long as he was not loved, he could not be abandoned again. So he played his part pretending to be accessible, a facade of sweet and calm smiles. The truth is he was evasive, like the air you can never hold in your hands, however hard you try. And he soon became unreliable, unpredictable, his apparent kindness holding back a thunderstorm that was bound to happen. It was merely a matter of time. 

And then she was there. Unexpected. Unstoppable. Her name made it clear she was all magnetism and sparks. An unmanageable fire that could burn his whole world down. He had been doing such a perfect job controlling himself until she crossed his path. But then he felt intoxicated by her power and her passion. All his fears vanished because there was nothing to hide. _I’m free with you. Like with no one else_. He could be himself, not just the sweet and calm morning breeze, but the strong winds that would grow stronger and stronger with her heat. 

Until she saw what that did to him. She had hoped to create a shelter, only for the two of them, a place where she could set the world on fire and watch an unconditional smile on his face. Because she would never be anyone but who she was. No breeze could put her out, it would only rekindle her. But he would be never be whom she needed, not without cutting off the softest side of him. That’s why she couldn’t stay. That’s why she left.

Of course Foggy was still there. He was firmly waiting for him to calm down to take the broken pieces he had left after the storm. Matt had almost blown his career, but his best friend was his rock, that loyal piece of earth where he could always rest. So Matt rested, and Foggy helped him be his true self again, the one Matt played for him. Strong winds would never please the earth, and he could not lose him. Not him. He’s the closest he has to family. 

But it was not easy to keep his life balanced when he was both breeze and hurricane. Why being only the former considering what he could do, knowing how many people he could save? _I don’t want to stop. Sometimes the law isn’t enough._

So he got used to disguising each part of himself, matching his clothes with the clock: the lawyer costume he had on his closet during the day, the Daredevil suit he kept in his chest at night. Edgy, but in control. All his gusts restrained inside a maddening shifting cage he had built with nobody’s help. 

And then she came and washed his uneasiness away. She was all kindness and smiles, everything he ever needed. And he forgot his fears and restraints for a second. She was calm and sweet with him. Serene waters where he could immerse and relax knowing they would wrap him in a cozy embrace he would never want to leave. Innocent and pure as her name. He did not know she was hiding unpredictable whirlpools and salty currents nowhere to be seen. She was good at keeping her dark side out of sight. Just like him. 

_I have this incredible ability to bring disaster to the best things in my life_. And disasters came. But only because he let them in. Right when he was enjoying the soothing effect she had on him, he let that electric fire come back to him. And even though he kept saying no, he never stopped rubbing his hands over its heat. 

The lawyer pretended to ignore what he was sacrificing. The devil enjoyed it with a smirk on his face. He had been restrained for too long, and her daring acceptance, first on his sofa then inside his bed, reminded him of the possibility of being who he had thought he could never be. Nobody else had ever accepted his dark side like she did. So he rewrote the script and changed its main role to get rid of the gentle wind, to let his high winds do as they pleased.

But it was not meant to be. That fire consumed itself and its ashes settled a cradle to accommodate his rebirth. The return of his darkest self. He tried to erase his other side even though deep down he knew it would always be there. He fought himself to bury it, but it kept coming back because he could not choose who he was, he was both of them.

Despite his stubbornness and all his defeatist foresights, after the overwhelming fire, the rain that had poured over his shaking earth and those thunderstorms that had put everything at risk, there was calmness and a new beginning. For the three of them.

Because there was nothing he needed to hide any more. He had shown what he didn’t want anyone to see and he had been welcomed with open arms. Same as her. Her dark waters seemed less dark when she was supported and accepted by those she loved. She was no longer the only one reflected on them. 

So reluctant as he was at first, he learned to admit that he had to escape from the chains he had been tightening for years. Old habits die hard, but he was finally ready to enjoy the balance he had denied himself from his early days. Keeping his feet on the earth, reliable and stable, and mesmerized by the sound and the smell of the passionate and devoted waters that moved in the same currents as he did, he was finally himself and at peace.


End file.
